Today’s letter describes a very serious problem from someone that definitely isn’t describing me.

Dear imnotwrong.com,

I told my roommates I was tired and they suggested I just lay down on the floor wherever I was at the moment. For a lot of reasons that feels like bad advice considering they had no idea where I was. Once I told them I was on a public commuter train their response was “YOLO”. This feels like bad advice and I’m beginning to think they are poor influences in my life. How do I casually shift from hanging with them all the time to being like “yeah you guys need to go”.

my roommates are the worst

Dear the worst,

I have trouble understanding why you think these geniuses are providing bad advice. If you are tired and really want to be horizontal, lying down seems like the natural thing to do. And the juxtaposition between the craziness of YOLO and tameness of lying down makes me laugh. So you should certainly yell out “YOLO,” and then when people look, you simply lie down. Great idea!

Now the bigger question is how to dump roommates. You can do this in a few different ways. The first is to just pretend that they don’t exist. This is great because it completely avoids confrontation and uncomfortable conversations. Alternatively, you could sit them down and have a mature conversation about boundaries and advice and blah blah blah. This is boring and you shouldn’t do it.

But here is what you should really do. You should kill them, then there’s no awkward fallout. Take out an insurance policy so that you don’t have to find new roommates that are probably worse. Then make it look like an accident. It sounds like your roommates are kind of a mess. In that case, you could push them down a staircase and say they fell. Since this was my idea, I would like 15% of the life insurance policy.

In summary, their advice was sound. But, I could use the money, so let’s go through door number 3.

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