I see poor decisions in your future…

Today’s letter is from Ask E. Jean

Dear E. Jean: I’m a 28-year-old creative type working in the Internet biz, eking out a pittance with blog work. I have no savings, not much in the bank, and no work on the horizon, and have been seriously single for seven years now—ouch! I’m trying to stay hopeful and just want a little peek into the future to keep me going. So, I ask you, dearest E. Jean, should I spend $250 on a highly respected astrologist? (She said my friend would meet an amazing man, and it happened!) Can’t I treat myself just this once? —Directionless and Nearly Derelict in NYC

Dear Directionless,

This is a great idea! I read online that seeing a psychic when you have no money is more meaningful because you’re using a high percentage of your total net worth. It is guaranteed to not only give you accurate insight into your future but also to change that future to something more positive. I mean, it would be super depressing if you spent your last $250 to see a psychic that then told you that you’re in for 7 more lonely years.

It is also very important that you do not take matters into your own hands. Trying online dating or other methods to meet people changes your fate, in a negative way, of course. You might ask why I am sure that meeting people on your own would be negative. Don’t. Don’t ask questions, just accept that everything I say is the truth. In fact, I am so good at telling the truth that you should pay me $250 to tell you your future.

I predict that you are on the verge of making a poor decision. You should avoid making decisions right now because you are fragile and likely to choose poorly. I predict that you will meet a man. You will develop feelings of some sort for this man. Strong feelings. I can’t tell if they will be positive or negative. His name… it includes a vowel (Y can count). Be on the lookout for a man whose name includes a vowel. He naturally has hair in the range of black to white. I strongly feel that his hair color is either black or white or somewhere in between.

You’re welcome.

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