Please talk with your mouth full!

Today’s letter is from Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: I’ve recently rekindled an old romance with a wonderful guy. Only one thing mars our relationship. When we go out to eat, we don’t carry on a conversation past occasional chitchat. The problem may be that while he’s a speedy eater, I’m slow. I feel bad about not being able to talk and chew fast enough to keep up, so he finishes well before me and ends up waiting quite a while until I polish off my meal.

Can you offer any suggestions on how to come to a compromise where dinner isn’t a race to the finish line, but an experience full of laughter and discussion? — SLOWER IN CALIFORNIA

Dear Slower in California,

You should break up with him. I mean think about it, if you’re a normal person, you eat about one meal a day most days of the week. That’s too much time to sit in silence, so it’s time to move on and find someone that wants to have a deep, existential conversation over spaghetti.

Better yet, you should tell him how to eat. Perhaps even count chews for him to make sure that he eats at the correct pace. If he really loves you, he will obviously want to do anything to make you happy, and eating the way you say will make you happy, therefore he should gladly oblige.

Talking all the time is the foundation of a good relationship. Literally all the time. If he chooses to eat, sleep, or poop without carrying a conversation, he should be flogged. He’s clearly not taking your relationship seriously and that makes this a big problem. If you don’t want to accusingly yell at him about this, you could also try passive aggressive hint dropping. And if that doesn’t work, you could just stew and grow resentful of this very large issue. Either way, it is doubtful that your relationship will ever be able to recover.

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