Coworkers owe me money because they’re bad at their jobs

Hi I’m not wrong,

I’m preparing to ask for a large raise – one that would likely not be feasible across all the teapot manufacturers at a small department of a large company that has a culture of consistent pay by job title. I have a few examples of doing additional work because my coworkers were too busy, even though I’m objectively busier than them. Is there a polite way to say that I do more, so I deserve to be paid more without throwing my coworkers under the bus (or maybe with throwing them under the bus – it’s infrequent that we work together, but very frustrating to see the disparity in teapot numbers and quality, although teapot quality is subjective).

Thanks for helping!
Anonymous Letter Writer

ALW, so sorry that you’re put in this horrible position of having to ask for a raise. Seems strange that they wouldn’t just shower you with the money you deserve. After all, you chose to work. Meanwhile, many so-called people choose to live off of the system and not work for their money. Usually they rely on government forced minimum wage rather than choosing to be a CEO or to inherit a family business.

If your company tries to pay consistently by job title – rather than duties – that’s very wrong. Different workers perform differently and have personality traits that make lower pay inevitable.

Suggest a fairer system where they add “Senior” or “Executive” in front of your title. Or perhaps “Director” or “Executive” As a “Senior Teapot Designer”, “Executive Teapot Designer”, “Teapot Design Director” or “Teapot Design Executive” everyone will know you make more without it having to be discussed.

Command that the company not announce this in any way. Simple place your new title in your email signature.

When coworkers ask or congratulate you, don’t be humble. Make clear that this is not enough and they’ve appeased you for now. This keeps the window open for future raise discussions.

The easier way to point out your extra duties without throwing co-workers under a bus would be to push them in front of the bus. Justify their behavior as if it’s understandable. “I know Natasha has her hands full since it takes her a long time to X. I’m lucky to be naturally faster and gifted at that.” “Boris really likes to focus on [stupid aspect of project] while I’ve taken a larger role in [the actual point].”

That quality is subjective works to your advantage. Simply act as if your subjective view just happens to be the identical subjective opinion as your boss’. “I know we both value X. That’s why we like Boris and Natasha to focus on Y. It gives us room to focus and I’d like to continue my focus on X.” Where X stands for the thing you and your boss and your organization want. While Y stands for very low-level work that any high school drop out could do.

If you need advice – but not really because you already know – submit your “question” in the contact form or email You can also tweet a short humblebrag to @satiricaladvice.

Disclaimer: This advice and content is not real. It's satire and parody.

The advice offered in this column is intended for comedic and entertainment purposes only. Use of this column not intended to replace or substitute for real advice. If you have concerns or a situation in which you need help, you should consult with an appropriate specialist. Not an advice column. You are completely responsible for your actions.


Get our fake advice right in your inbox! We'll send you the latest columns as their updated.
Email address
First Name

Author: The Worst Advice Columnist

The Worst Advice Columnist is a satirical writer and improviser.

Leave a Reply