How to win breakups

Today’s letter is from Ask E. Jean:

Dear E. Jean: I’m 25, tall, curvy, not ugly, and a painter. I have good friends and a wonderful boyfriend, but for three years now I have stalked the beautiful girl my ex-boyfriend dumped me for. I have long, long let go of any feelings for my ex-boyfriend. She’s the one I can’t shake.

I’m embarrassed by it. I don’t want to be this kind of woman! I check her Instagram and Facebook multiple times throughout the day. Although I have never met her, I feel my insecurities mount with each glimpse into her life. It doesn’t help that she’s one of those superskinny types with perfect bone structure and a busy social life. So every time I see a new photo she posts of herself, I fall a little inside. This whole cycle of checking on her makes me feel small, mentally weak, and incompetent. How do I break it? —Seeking Your Spiritual Guidance

Dear Stalker… I mean Seeker of Guidance,

First, I think it is important to point out that this woman likely posts every life low point on social media. Therefore, you, her stalker, have a perfectly accurate representation of the way her life really is every day. All those beautiful vacations and #Iwokeuplikethis posts are her at her worst and it only gets better from there. So she is obviously winning at life.

Second, given that she is winning, we now need to help you figure out how to beat her. You should consider plastic surgery and expensive vacations so that it is clear you are actually prettier and enjoying life more than her. Spare no expense, you need to win!

Third, a victory that she doesn’t see, doesn’t count. So you need to stalk her even more and figure out where her and your ex will be. Then you and your boyfriend show up, dressed nicely and fresh out of plastic surgery recovery (if your current boyfriend is less objectively attractive than your ex, you’ll need to hire an actor for this part). When she sees how together and perfect and happy you are, she will become jealous and then she will stalk you on social media and your problem will be solved because you won.

Basically, all of your feelings of inferiority stem from you actually being inferior, so you should gain the upper hand by changing who you are. If Mulan taught us nothing, it’s that pretending to be someone else can help you gain fame and happiness.

Best of luck!

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