No poor kids allowed!

Today’s letter is from Dear Prudence:

Dear Prudence,
I live in one of the wealthiest neighborhoods in the country, but on one of the more “modest” streets—mostly doctors and lawyers and family business owners. (A few blocks away are billionaires, families with famous last names, media moguls, etc.) I have noticed that on Halloween, what seems like 75 percent of the trick-or-treaters are clearly not from this neighborhood. Kids arrive in overflowing cars from less fortunate areas. I feel this is inappropriate. Halloween isn’t a social service or a charity in which I have to buy candy for less fortunate children. Obviously this makes me feel like a terrible person, because what’s the big deal about making less fortunate kids happy on a holiday? But it just bugs me, because we already pay more than enough taxes toward actual social services. Should Halloween be a neighborhood activity, or is it legitimately a free-for-all in which people hunt down the best candy grounds for their kids?

—Halloween for the 99 Percent

Dear 99,

Halloween is supposed to be a scary night, so whenever there is a kid that isn’t from your neighborhood, you should drop a positive pregnancy test in their bag. At least in my neighborhood, that’s the scariest thing I can think of. My point is that you should absolutely not need to spend money on candy for poor kids. I mean, if you wanted poor kids, you’d just buy one and keep it in the closet. Just be careful that it doesn’t get magical powers like Harry Potter or you might have too much revolt.

Since you don’t want to give these poor kids candy, you should definitely just slam the door in their cheaply costumed faces. Perhaps while yelling a rant to their parents about staying in the projects where they belong. You should ensure that those poor kids don’t get treated like they matter, lest they get crazy ideas. I mean, if you give them Halloween candy, what’s to stop them from coming and enjoying your Christmas lights? Nobody expects you to feed them for Thanksgiving, so why should you have to deal with them on Halloween?!

The real problem is identifying the kids that are from the wrong neighborhoods. In rare cases, their parents clean them, and they may appear no different than the rich children. In those cases, your best bet is to just discriminate against all the minorities and just assume they’re all poor. You can also judge by costume quality and parents’ car. Any kid with a homemade costume clearly doesn’t have rich enough parents to deserve your candy. Yeah, that’s right, it is your candy, so you don’t have to hand it out to just any kid. Slam that door, 99!

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