Today’s letter is one that I’m sure everyone can relate to, except me, because I always get what I want easily.
Dear I’m Not Wrong,
I have a crush… I think. There’s a guy that I met a long time ago at work (we don’t currently work together), and whenever I see him, I start smiling a lot and my heart gets a little fluttery. We don’t run in the same social circles, so I can’t fabricate a nonchalant way to invite him somewhere. My coworkers told me that they thought he seemed into me (without me saying I was into him), but I’m still afraid that if I ask him to get coffee, he will write in with a letter about how this girl asked him out and he needs advice on how to let her down gently. Help me!
Let’s start with the beginning. You do have a crush because you wouldn’t be writing a letter about him if you didn’t. So we’ve solved that thrilling mystery. Less clear is whether you are a girl or a guy. I had assumed girl, because only silly girls have crushes, but girls are physically incapable of asking people out, so you must be a guy.
You say you don’t run in the same social circles, well that is a big red flag. You like the people you hang out with, right? So why would you need to add a new person? You don’t need to and you shouldn’t. New people are scary and different and as we’ve discussed previously, different is always bad.
Your fear that he will write a letter about needing to reject you is completely irrational. In all likelihood, he would just yell, “EWWW! NO, I DON’T WANT TO GO OUT WITH YOU!” in front of everyone you know at work. Then take a picture of your dejected face and post it on Facebook and Instagram and Reddit with the caption: This boy thought he could ask me out? How insulting! I’d never stoop so low. After this humiliation, you would clearly need to quit your job and surely in your next interview, the first question will be, “Why should we hire you when your track record shows such exceptionally bad judgment. You totally asked out that guy and I saw the post on Reddit.” So basically, what I’m saying is that asking this guy out will literally ruin your life and you should definitely not do it.
Some people say that if you never ask, you’ll never know. I say that if you never ask, you’ll never know the pain of rejection. Love is always a risk, and if you hand someone your heart, there is always a chance that they will clumsily drop it or maliciously throw it. However, if you keep to yourself and never trust anyone, they can never hurt you. Just get a few cats, they won’t let you down.
Disclaimer: This advice and content is not real. It's satire and parody.
The advice offered in this column is intended for comedic and entertainment purposes only. Use of this column not intended to replace or substitute for real advice. If you have concerns or a situation in which you need help, you should consult with an appropriate specialist. Not an advice column. You are completely responsible for your actions.