Over the holidays I traveled to rural America from the big city for two whole weeks. It took me just under three hours if it’s a straight flight. Then it was an hour and a half drive from the nearest airport. If you know what I mean.
A neighbor proudly hung a confederate flag in her small town. My mom and I fought. We terribly disagreed over the holidays about my sister’s daughter’s vaccinations.
My mom helps my sister take care of the kids. So they all live together.
Mother is a highly educated woman. She even received a Bachelors in accounting. I’m studying infectious diseases at one of the nation’s leading universities. I’ll soon have a PhD in like 2 years. Possibly more.
Mother buys into all the fake news, especially all the fake health care. Even “Vitamin B17”. My mom even listens to television preachers every morning.
How can I convince her that she’s wrong? Should I stop being so concerned when other people are wrong — knowing the disastrous impact that lack of vaccination could have on my nieces?
— Infectious Degrees
Travelling to a third word country during the holidays sucks. You’re right in thinking about your family’s safety. Babies spread disease. Some would argue that they are a disease. Not me, I personally love babies. Take a stand for the health of your community. Herd immunity doesn’t work without pushing people to get pricked against their will.
As the closest smart person to the situation, you’re ethically bound to rescue your nieces from mother. According to your letter, your mother earned an accounting degree. Appeal to her sense of mathematics. Vaccines plus nanites minus government intervention equals terrorism. My friend wrote on Facebook about how the lack of a livable minimum wage, free range Montessori schools, and out of control inflation hurts the lower class. The south won’t rise again sadly.
Make sure not to get your sister involved. She lost her vote when she couldn’t give full time care for her own children. It’s strange that women would have a vote at all, of course. That was just metaphorical. No real voting for office would really be involved.
It’s 2017 and there are still places over an hour from an airport? When will we learn. No wonder much of this country isn’t cultured. Most immigrants arrive through planes and are highly educated. They send us their most valuable persons and the money is shipped back to their savage lands, as explained in this map:
Your mother also demonstrates a deep belief in religion. Inject her with God’s stress on cleanliness: “Wash yourselves; make yourselves clean; remove the evil of your deeds from before my eyes; cease to do evil,” Isaiah 1:16 ESV. Vaccines, you must explain, becomes soap for the blood.
Suffrage aside, two weeks in the countryside already started to infect you. There’s no immunity to ignorance exposure. I prescribe you 4 weeks of yoga classes, treat yourself to some new hipster glasses, and grab a $40 Starbucks card. Take your gay best friend out for a night of clubbing and anonymous sex.
Disclaimer: This advice and content is not real. It's satire and parody.
The advice offered in this column is intended for comedic and entertainment purposes only. Use of this column not intended to replace or substitute for real advice. If you have concerns or a situation in which you need help, you should consult with an appropriate specialist. Not an advice column. You are completely responsible for your actions.