It’s hard being perfect

Today’s letter comes from Ask E Jean

Dear E. Jean: I’ve met the man of my dreams. He’s incredibly gorgeous, and we have amazing, mind-blowing sex nightly—and usually daily as well. He’s kind, morally upstanding, open-minded, and accepting, without a cynical or jaded bone in his body. He’s a hard worker, generous (he paid my rent when I was in a car wreck and couldn’t work), and is always there for my friends and family. On top of everything, he’s funny and fun to be with, and I have zero doubt he’ll be nothing short of an amazing husband and father. However, there’s one problem: He’s dumb.

He can hold a fairly intelligent conversation and reads good books, though how much he understands is up for debate. My last boyfriend was supersmart, and I found him intellectually stimulating, yet he was a raging asshole with a huge ego and a penchant for screwing anything that moved (particularly 18-year-old women, even though he’s 35!). While my new boyfriend challenges me to be a better person, he doesn’t challenge me intellectually the way my ex did. Should I hold out for someone with more brains? —Too Dense to Love

Dear Too Dense to Love,

This is perhaps one of the easiest letters to answer. I’m going to assume you are gorgeous, kind, morally upstanding, open-minded, accepting, hard-working, generous, funny, fun, and intelligent. And in that case, you deserve someone who is as high quality as you. You should never settle for anyone who has any perceived flaws because you are perfect and can, therefore, expect the same from your partner. Even if you aren’t all those things, it doesn’t matter because your mom says you’re perfect, so it is definitely true.

I relate to you; I will likely die alone because it’s hard to find someone as witty as me, and I deserve someone who matches me in every way. My advice to you is to start adopting cats. From personal experience, it should only take 10 or so before you no longer ache for human contact.

If you really don’t want to go the cat route, you could go back to your ex. He sounds much better (smarter!) than your current boyfriend. The only thing that matters in life is intelligence*, so the ex-boyfriend is obviously a better life partner than your current kind and loving boyfriend. When you dump the new boyfriend you should make sure he knows how inferior he is, perhaps explain how dumb he is slowly with really small words so he can follow. Pictures help children read books, so you might include some pictures with your explanation.

*Some liberal hippies might say that different people are intelligent in different ways or about different things. Like a mechanic who can quickly figure out what is wrong with your car and how to fix it is on the same level of intelligence as a doctor who figures out what is wrong with you and how to fix it. They are wrong. The only intelligence that matters is the kind you have. Never let anyone take that away from you. You are smarter and therefore better, than most people in the world and you should never let them forget it.

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